I love Texas with all the wet fury of a Austin-bound armadillo. I have no idea what that’s supposed to mean except that I love Texas. Really. Truly.
That being said there are a few things about Texas that never fail to leave me agape and agog. It’s not like I wasn’t aware of these things, but every time I visit the south I develop a convenient case of amnesia upon departure. Then I return and go into shock all over again.
For instance, the smoking. I mean holy shit, is there a single person in Texas who doesn’t smoke? Not that it bothers me, but I come from a state where smoking is prohibited everywhere except inside of your refrigerator between the hours of midnight and one and you can only light up after you have secured a series of tarps over every window in your house and filed a request for permission from the EPA. So entering what amounts to the nation’s smoking section always throws me for a loop. I mean, everyone was lighting up. Everyone. Men, women, old people, dogs… even strollers were outfitted with ashtrays.
Texas needs to hire an army of Wal-Mart style greeters to meet visitors at the end of the jetway in Dallas-Fort Worth. Only instead of adorning you with leis like they do in Hawaii, they can hand tourists a carton of Marlboros and a lighter.
Secondly, if I lived in Texas I would have to become a hunter-gatherer. Otherwise I would end up weighing three hundred pounds because the only dining out I saw was served up by Whataburger, Cracker Barrel, or Chick-Fil-A. Plus, everything that bears the slightest resemblance to food is dutifully dredged in flour and deep-fat fried. Sure it’s delicious, but is it really necessary to restrict one’s diet to food that is guaranteed to take several years off your life?
Thirdly, if I ever move to Texas I’m going to start a business. It’s going to be like those star registries only instead of stars, people will pay me to name water towers after them. Lord knows that there are enough of the damned things. I am pretty sure that somewhere in the annals of Texas townhood somewhere there is a clause in which no town will be recongized until it has it’s name spelled out in ten-foot letters on the side of its very own water tower.
Lastly, regarding the state historical markers… I realize that every state is in love with the idea of adorning every acre with the the standard bronze plaque to commemorate some event or another that took place there. To this end, I have a suggestion that will undoubtedly save the state of Texas a shitload of money. Instead of going through the trouble of minting an original tribute to each “site of historical significance” the state should just mass-produce a bunch of markers with the following text:
“This is the site where a bunch of white people killed a bunch of Mexicans”
I mean, since really, that’s what they all say anyway. Not that I’m generally against the European settlement of North America. I mean, if it hadn’t been for colonization my pasty white ass would be snowed into some northern European shit hole… and we all know how I break out in hives at the mere mention of snow. It’s just that there are less expensive ways to erect a monument without making some historian crazy as he struggles with ideas on how to differentiate one massacre from another.
It’s nothing personal Texas. I love you, I just think that there is room for improvement.
As you can see, while away from the prying eyes of their women-folk these two could hardly keep their hands of each other. Needless to say, the Texas A&M, Tennessee, and Memphis fans were appalled. The Ohio State fans whipped out their camcorders and tried to join in.
