I realize that the last I posted was what – in May?
Yes my dear readers, for those of you who still check back here on occasion and are left wondering if I’m lying dead in a cyberspace ditch somewhere or perhaps even hoping that I’ve finally given up the blog for the good of mankind, I am alive and well.
I stopped posting a while back partially because I was constantly overwhelmed with wave after wave of to-do lists: my mom to-do lists, PTA to-do lists, husband to-do lists, the take-photos-for-me to-do lists, help-me-with-my-resume to-do lists. It seemed silly to set aside time to post on the internet when the internet wasn’t potty-training, the internet didn’t need me to show up for a meeting, the internet wasn’t particularly interested in having me take photos of it’s kids and was most certainly not going to fail me in Embalming I.
The other reason I stopped posting was because of the content of the site. In the interests of getting along, preserving relationships and maintaining some semblance of dignity among the people I see every day, I found myself self-censoring to the point where writing seemed like an exercise in fluff-manufacture.
For instance, I didn’t write about diving into the one of the deepest depressions I’d ever experienced earlier in the year. Why would I? It’s embarassing. Especially when you consider how blessed I am in life. It seems incredibly ungrateful on my part that, with everything good and wonderful in my life, I can’t seem to pull it together for more than a few months at a time.
I didn’t write about the decision to stop taking my anti-anxiety meds. Or the predictable return of the anxiety attacks that I’ve experienced since I was a little kid. Or the fact that I have embarked upon a new coping strategy that involves jumping off of boats in San Francisco Bay and swimming for shore, and jumping out of planes and cage-diving with great white sharks. Because my goal is to drown out Mr. Anxiety and the pansy-ass bullshit he thinks I should be afraid of. Because Mr. Anxiety can’t throw any fear my way that will be more frightening than the situations I can put myself in.
…and yeah. I realize that totally doesn’t make any sense.
I never write about running or the fact that the reason I’ve slavishly dedicated to the sport is because – for whatever reason – running is the only activity that keeps the depression at a manageable level.
I don’t write about how I’m really confused about school and whether it’s good for me to continue or if I should drop out for the sake of familial harmony. I’m also confused about what my husband likes to call The Photography Thing. And that I feel like I’m getting mixed signals with regard to my worth as a stay-at-home mom. It’s good that you’re with the kids. No wait, you should be making money. No wait, stay home. Wait, no go out and make money.
I never write about the overwhelming confusion in my life. Or my inability to focus. Or the fact that the confusion is really quite confusing. And it keeps me from focusing. Or the fact that the confusion has me confused about the confusing nature of confusion. Or, that - hey – check out that shiny thing!
I never write about politics anymore. Mostly because there is a dearth of informed people who seem capable of discussing politics in a respectful, rational and dispassionate way. On the flip-side there are a whole lotta people out there who are ill-informed and possess second-hand opinions borrowed from entertainer-assholes like Keith Olberman and Bill O’Reilly. And that these ill-informed twits weilding other people’s opinions are willing to test the limits of their lung capacity to prove that they’re right and you’re wrong.
The English language doesn’t have words to describe how much I can’t stand these people.
Mostly I stopped posting because The Photography Thing has been taking up a lot of my time and energy what with launching a website, shooting weddings, editing photos, learning all I can about my camera and shooting tons of photos in the process. This week I am shooting a couple while the husband is on leave from Iraq for a few days, creating cover art for a soon-to-be-published novel and then making a television appearance with the author of said novel this Saturday. Next weekend I’m flying out to New Mexico to play assistant to a much more accomplished and experienced photographer at a wedding there. I have a stack of CDs with photos that need editing as I type this. It’s been busy. It’s been really good.
So I guess this is a really long-winded way of saying that I am going to post when I can but the opportunities to do so are drying up quickly.