Death Chic

Alright Pirate and Travis. I guess I’m obligated to thank you for blogsitting for me, although I admit to harboring ambivalence about expressing gratitude to people who photoshop my head onto midgets and spread rumors that I like to shop for Jimmy Choos with third world despots.

But still, you came, you wrote, you photoshopped. On behalf of a grateful blogger I thank you. Kind of. I think.

(bastards)

Anyway, while I was away the King and I temporarily hung up our loyalties to the Longhorns and Wolverines long enough to root for the Aggies at the Alamodome. Not so much because we’re huge A&M fans but we were in Texas and neither of us are stupid. Not wearing maroon would be tantamount to hanging signs around our necks that read “I heart Osama” or “I’m gay and I’m proud”.

You can imagine our surprise however, when we took our seats and discovered that both Travis and Pirate had decided to join us:

As you can see, while away from the prying eyes of their women-folk these two could hardly keep their hands of each other. Needless to say, the Texas A&M, Tennessee, and Memphis fans were appalled. The Ohio State fans whipped out their camcorders and tried to join in.

But you know what? I had no idea Travis liked pink so damned much.

Dear Travis and Pirate,

Greetings from San Antonio, Texas! Weather is here, wish you were nice and all that jazz. I just wanted to write and tell you how much I appreciate you blog-sitting for me while I’m away:

The King and I are having a terrific time sampling the local culture. Well… the culture that involves tequila.

Anyway, the Alamo is a great place to visit and even more fun after three or even sixteen shots of Patron. And since I’m drunk and have walked roughly thirty two miles today, I’m going to go make my point before Alejandro the bell boy gets bored playing quarters with me and takes all this liquor to the trollop down the hall:

I love the Mexican people. I would NEVER mock them for not being able to swim. Nor would I dream of collecting illegals for my personal compound. Ok, so yeah I have been known to get snarky about the whole “losing Texas to the white people” thing, but only on Cinco de Mayo, when some of my Latino friends insist that we celebrate the one day that Mexicans held any kind of military superiority. I mean really, they were fighting the French for Pete’s sake. It’s not like they faced a real military.

…and yeah. Try to forget that I made fun of the Mexican military one paragraph after mentioning the Alamo.

At any rate. I wanted to drive home the point that I love the Mexican people. I love them and they just fucking adore me:

My love runs so deep, it even extends to their hats.

…even the goofy leopard-print ones that they sell to white people just because they can:

So, in closing I would like to tell you to stop writing such silly nonsense about my mockery of our neighbors south of the border. For my part, I will concede that I guzzle tequila while throwing firecrackers at my husband’s feet and yelling at him to do the Mexican hat dance.

Yours truly,
Steph

P.S. – I bought both of you t-shirts! Since you’re such great friends, I thought that a multi-cultural tribute would be appropriate:

Firstly (is that even a word? It is now!) I grabbed a machete and hacked away at my blogroll until I had whittled it down to blogs that are still current and being updated. I’ve added y’all who have been kind enough to link me. If you would like your blog on the blogroll, e-mail me and we can swap links.

Secondly, y’all may have noticed something. Like the fact that I have used “y’all” twice in one post now. That’s because I’m spending next week in Texas. Plans keep changing, but right now we’re slated to terrorize our renters in College Station. They’re a bunch of college kids so maybe we’ll show up unannounced with some drug-sniffing dogs. Or their parents. Or the police. Or all three. Good times!

After that we’re headed to San Antonio where we are going to park our asses alternately at the Marriott on the Riverwalk, the Alamodome, and whatever bars happen to be in between because WE’RE GOIN’ TO MARCH MADNESS BABEEEEE!!!!

Thirdly, I’m a big dork.

…but this brings me to my point: as of my departure on Monday morning this blog will be left in the care of Pirate and Travis. Though I doubt their sincerity, they have given me their word that this space will not be turned into their own playground of sin. But since an open approach is always helpful, I would like to take this opportunity to lay a few ground rules down:

QofD’s Rules for Travis and Pirate whilst they are babysitting her blog:

#1 – No using my blog to pimp yourself out
#2 – No using my blog to pimp other people out
#3 – No photo-shopping my head anywhere at any time
#4 – If you ignore #3, do me a favor and at least don’t photo-shop my head onto Barbara Boxer’s body. That wasn’t funny the first time, Travis.
#5 – No running escort services from my blog
#6 – Swearing is generally encouraged
#7 – No using my blog to generate interest for your off-shore horse-meat distribution scheme
#8 – No poking my readers with sticks
#9 – No Drano milkshake recipes
#10 – No “Risky Business” at my house while I’m gone, and that means naked Twister too, guys.
Dear readers? Do you think I’m missing anything?