#1 – Lee Greenwood’s Proud To Be An American makes me violently ill. I can’t stand it. English does not contain rude enough language to describe what I would like to do to the person who wrote this glurge.
(I bet there’s a trailer park full of people somewhere who would demand that my citizenship be revoked for that confession.)
#2 – I hate it when, after a death has occurred, people say, “I guess God just needed another angel in Heaven…”
Ok, seriously? Gag. Have we turned into a nation of unimaginative pod people who spew sickly sweet sentiment by rote?
I have a request of you folks; when I die I would like anyone who makes it to my funeral to go on the offensive. If someone near you is about to utter the aforementioned, sidle up to them and say something like “I guess Satan just needed another cocksucker to help him get ready for Fred Phelps.”
#3 – A few days ago Armstrong & Getty featured a story about a college kid who had attended some event at his university for the sole purpose of heckling the speakers. After reading the story they ran an audio clip which featured the kid refusing to leave the auditorium, resisting arrest, and being subsequently tasered within an inch of his life while he went all Nancy Kerrigan and screamed “WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO MEEEEEE!!! WHY MEEEE??????”
I laughed so hard during this segment that I ended up pulling my truck over because I couldn’t drive.
#4 – In May of 1996, in a cemetery, at a graveside service for my paternal grandfather, my cousin who has Down’s syndrome leaned over to me and relayed the following:
Q: What is better than winning the Special Olympics?
A: Not being fucking retarded.
It wasn’t until he uttered the punchline with emphasis on the word “fucking” that I realized my cousin had actually told me a joke. Then I left my seat. Being afflicted with Down’s meant my cousin got a free pass to yuk it up at funerals but as one of the senior corps of cousins I was still expected to “set an example”. Therefore I banished myself to the rear of the assembly where one of the old VFW fellas who had shown up to perform the military funeral honors patted me on the shoulder and said “I know it’s hard, you must have been close” and I tried to pretend that I was sobbing instead of laughing.
To this day I still don’t know what makes me a worse human being; the fact that I really do think the joke is funny or the fact that I laughed at it during a my grandfather’s funeral.